Sharp
by Hazaazel
Summary: Insomnia is never fun, they knew that already, but without Daichi staying up until two AM so they aren't all alone, it's downright impossible to even close their eyes. - And if Suga needs to have Daichi back, well, having trouble sleeping isn't helping his thought process. Daisuga week day 3: Necessity - insecurities (tw for anxiety)


Hello ! It's Daisuga week day 3, and... The unnecessary angst is upon us ! This is supposed to be Daisuga week but every other day my fanfic is just Daichi and Suga having issues... why do I do that...  
Prompt for day 3 was "necessity or insecurities", I kinda did both ? I think they're very linked.

I want to precise that "insomnia" is here what Suga (who hates to think about it and therefore never did any research of any kind related to their anxiety and sleeping problems) uses to name what they're feeling. It's also loosely based on personal experiences so… I'm not trying to describe anything concrete in here.

* * *

Iwaizumi is pressed against their back, Oikawa is snuggling their chest, and Suga thinks they might actually be able to sleep from the warmth of it all. Insomnia is never fun, they knew that already, but without Daichi staying up until two AM so they aren't all alone, it's downright impossible to even close their eyes. Daichi with his pretty voice, who knew he'd sing so well, endless strings of lullabies they don't even remember. It took two weeks for Iwaizumi to notice they weren't really sleeping, but the walls of their dorm are so thin even rustling the sheets can be heard from another room if you're quiet enough. Suga turns over and over because it makes the sheets warmer, and then they can't sleep because it's too hot, suffocating, and their sweat is so cold, and it starts all over again. Oikawa noticed on the second night he spent in their dorm – "Of course I noticed, you have sleeping bags the size of an alien's eye !" and he gave them concealer so their classmates would stop asking questions.

Sleeping together, they did that with Daichi. On the worst days, Suga would cross the street and sneak into his room through the window and curl around his arm without waking him up. Daichi would startle, some time later, and lull him to sleep by carding his fingers through their hair. Iwaizumi asks if cuddling would help after a month – Suga is surprised he even thought about it, surprised Oikawa deadpanned when they asked him whether or not he'd disapproved, and that's how they ended up sleeping with Iwaizumi when sleep wouldn't happen, or like now, sandwiched between the two of them.

"Iwa-chan ?"

Suga thinks Iwaizumi has been asleep for the past hour, but Oikawa can still try. They're not about to move, though, if they do, they're sure they'll never sleep.

"Hajime ?"

"Hmm ?"

"I think Suga's asleep."

"No, they're not breathing light."

"Oh. So they'll notice if I grab their phone ?"

"Probably. And you're not doing that anyway, idiot."

"I'm gonna call Daichi and scold him. And give him our address so he can come asap and cuddle with Suga."

"He has our address."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Daichi came twice to their dorm this year, on the second day to help them unpack the heaviest boxes, and a week after that because he forgot his scarf. So it's been… one month one week. Texts, sometimes, not as often as they'd like, because Daichi was never much of a phone user, but that was fine when they saw each other every day. Suga misses his voice, and "Goodnight" voicemails barely cover that need. Suga didn't even go to his dorm, they don't own a car, but they tried to come, on weekends – "Sorry Suga, I can't, I'm busy." Well, Suga is busy trying to sleep, right now.

oo

Oikawa is in her dorms, for once, because she has a test tomorrow and is doing a study binge with Kuroo, so there's only Iwaizumi draped around their torso like a blanket. He's sleeping, he has been for the past two hours, but it's only three AM, Suga isn't going to sleep any time soon, or probably won't sleep at all, since they have class at eight this morning. Daichi's last text was four hours ago, a "Sorry", dry and short and cold, to answer his "I can't sleep". They'll have to nap this afternoon but they probably won't because there is baking powder in the fridge – no, the cupboard – and they can bake a cake to thank Iwaizumi for being here, Iwaizumi likes cake – no, _Daichi_ likes cakes, and maybe Oikawa will come and she can lend him some nail polish, or maybe it'll be he, they'll know with the morning text Oikawa will send when she wakes up. Or he. And they'll pick a colour and they'll both do their nails while chatting about the questions Oikawa didn't answer and how Kuroo should grow a pair and ask Kenma out and they'll probably try to put some nail polish on Iwaizumi. He'll probably end up with pink nails, and blue glitter on top of that, probably. They should also grow a pair and talk to Daichi. Suga needs sleep.

oo

Oikawa is pressing kisses against Iwaizumi's cheek, punctuated with quiet "I love you" Suga is pretending not to hear. Or pretending they aren't picturing Daichi mouthing at their jaw and laying his head in the crook of their neck instead of Iwaizumi, sighing warm and soft against their skin and whispering volleyball nonsense about the next practice session. Suga is getting better at pretending to sleep, at least, evening out their breath is easy, not opening their eyes also is. It has downsides – Oikawa leaving for the couch because he hates sleeping in too much warmth, Iwaizumi following because maybe if they're alone, they can have sex, maybe, not often, they mostly whisper back and forth and suddenly stop because they're asleep. It happens so fast it's fascinating to listen to them and wait for the moment they just… quiet. Daichi breathes so heavily Suga could imagine conversations between his lungs and fall asleep to the song they sing. The bed is cold, so cold, but they don't actually need the warmth, listening is enough.

They have both, today, warmth and talking, and it's wonderful, really. Plus, neither of them are going away. Iwaizumi would have changed dorms by now, if he hated Suga for making him sleep on top of them, and he is still here. Oikawa wouldn't stay the night, too. Daichi _did_ complain, quite a lot towards the end, because he needed sleep, but he still reassured Suga he'd be there for them every time it felt too much to even ask for a hug. Maybe Daichi felt too bad to leave them, and that's why he was staying. Maybe that's why Iwaizumi and Oikawa are still here. Suga sleeps tucked neatly in between them, more often than not, and if they were in Iwaizumi's or Oikawa's place, they'd probably protest. Maybe that's why Daichi isn't here now, because he has an excuse not to be – "Suga, I'm really sorry, but I can't come tonight, I have tests and..."

"Whatever you're thinking about, stop right now, Suga. You're breathing hard enough for someone in another dorm to notice."

Oikawa's voice is a whisper, but it sounds threatening, so they obey. Suga hopes, really hopes, that they're allowed to stay, because without Daichi soothing their worries, they probably won't be able to sleep ever again.

oo

Afternoon naps are a delight. Suga's head is resting nicely on Iwaizumi's lap, with their earphones on, they can't hear anything but Ghibli soundtracks – a small heaven. They don't hear anyone knocking at the door but Iwaizumi gets up to answer. They can hear voices, but they don't focus, Legend of Ashitaka has always been one of their favourite tracks.

They hear the sound of the door closing, rather harshly, and Iwaizumi is there again, texting Oikawa before sitting back on the couch and resting Suga's head on his lap again.

"It was a mistake, but they just wouldn't leave, sorry. Sleep, now."

It's probably a lie, judging from how Iwaizumi is gritting his teeth, but they also probably don't need to know.

oo

They weren't asleep, not really, but they might have been, and now there is a burning hole in their back – it's a lack of warmth rather than a burn but to their sleepy mind it feels the same. Oikawa is smoothing his hands up and down their arms.

"Go back to sleep, Suga, it's nothing. Iwa-chan is dealing with it."

They're hearing voices, is someone here ? Do they have to leave ? They're probably bothering someone, they don't mind leaving, really, they can sleep at Kuroo's more often if they bother Iwaizumi, it's ok, they just. They need a sweater, that's all, and then they can go.

Voices, the same than in the afternoon. _T_ _hey_ _probably don't need to know_. They won't move, they're too sluggish to move anyway, but their limbs feel like lead – feel like dread.

"Iwaizumi. Please, let me see Suga."

"Fuck you, Sawamura. You know they can't sleep properly, that's why you're coming at midnight ? Because you know they'll say yes to whatever you'll spit just so they can sleep with you again ? Well no, you won't enter."

 _Daichi_. For a while, that's all they can think about, not moving at all, not even when Oikawa gets up. Daichi is here. Daichi came, after all, after two months, but he still came. His voice is thunder and bells and raindrops at the same time.

"Oikawa, you're here too ? Suga's not here, I guess..."

"Nope. They're at my dorm, with Kuroo."

By the time Daichi drives over there, across the campus, it'll be way too late, he'll find an empty house, and he'll probably go home. Without seeing them.

"Please… I'm a jerk, ok, I'm not trying to deny that, but… at least tell him I came. Tell him I miss him."

"I can't tell _him_. But I can tell _them_ , yeah. You're even messing up pronouns, Sawamura, you're a _very_ shitty friend."

"He- _they_ … they didn't tell me."

"You should have asked !"

Oikawa and Iwaizumi are being unfair – they left Daichi out of this _voluntarily_ , insomnia was complicated enough, anxiety swallowing them whole, without dragging Daichi into gender hell as well. They feared that it would bee too much, that it would be the last straw that made Daichi finally leave them, when his shoulders would bend and break from the weight of all the things Suga was putting on them. Iwaizumi should just let him enter, so Suga and him can cuddle, and let him and Oikawa go back to their normal lives.

"Iwaizumi, please. I fucked up. I thought h- _they_ 'd be..."

"You thought you could go away, now ? That it wasn't your problem anymore if Suga was having anxiety about ruining your life on top of their own problems ?"

"Fuck _you_ , Iwaizumi. You've been seeing them like this for, what, two months ? Don't tell me what winters look like when you don't even know. I may not be the best – I'm far from the best, I know already, but I can at least _try_."

But Daichi tried more than enough, had for two years, it was unfair to ask for more, really. Suga asked for more, over and over, and Daichi left, and soon Iwaizumi and Oikawa would realise he had reasons, and then, probably leave too. Suga managed to be fine for a whole high school year, in a sports club, before finding the courage to ask Daichi for comfort, they could survive through college alone.

"Leave them alone, ok ? They're already sad enough without fake hopes you'll be back for good."

The door is slammed shut, probably because Daichi was going to talk again, lie and say that he never meant to leave, Suga is sure. Daichi will look tense and maybe sad and his hair will flop to the left because of his hands furiously messing it up – Suga misses it so much they _feel_ the cold where Daichi's hand would be if they were to hug as they used to. Suga just misses him. He's gone, now, in his tiny blue black car, far away, and their mind is making up songs to match the rhythm of Iwaizumi's footsteps returning to the bed – where did you go, Daichi, Daichi, Daichi ?

Oikawa settles on their right, holding their hand, whispering that it was only some idiot asking for sugar, a half lie to stretch a smile across their face. Of course they heard everything, paper-thin walls and lack of sleep are horrible for keeping secrets after all. Iwaizumi settles on top of them, looking at Oikawa – how long has it been since they last slept together, just the two of them ? Suga feels like a parasite, soaking all the warmth they have to offer.

"Go to sleep, Suga, we're here."

Iwaizumi's weight isn't crushing them, it's a shield against the outside world, but they still feel how tired he is, how tense his shoulders are, and it's tying knots in their throats thinking they're probably, _absolutely_ , the cause of it.

oo

Oikawa's bed is cold. It's empty, even though they can hear Kuroo doing whatever he wants to do with a phone and a potato peeler at two AM in the kitchen, it's just. It's cold and empty without arms circling their waist and lulling them to sleep. Suga came here because Iwaizumi and Oikawa _need_ space, but their only rule when they agreed to spend a night per week at Kuroo's was that he wouldn't know a thing. That means no night cuddling.

They've been to Kuroo's twice this week. They know it's because Daichi keeps coming back to the dorm and Iwaizumi is going to have to let him enter someday, without Suga in the house, preferably, but it still stings like rejection would. Iwaizumi sent them messages every ten minutes until he fell asleep, now it feels lonely again – just them and words running wild behind their eyelids, _fear rejection hatred sleep want lack need_ , they _need_ to breathe and calm down or, even drunk, Kuroo will suspect something.

And maybe they do want to see Daichi and finally, _finally_ , have a proper night of sleep. Even though Daichi never would stay and it would hurt more in the end – the sharp knife of rejection, and arms to keep it at bay, if only for a minute.

Their phone rings, with this silly ringtone Daichi set for himself before he left – "So you'll always know it's me !", but that's useless when you don't call.

"Suga ? Thank God you're answering ! I-I feared you wouldn't. I mean, you'd have every right not to."

"What do you want, Daichi ?" They want him to come. They don't care about being hurt, that's for when you're awake with a mind to think, not at three AM with the shadows twisting because your eyes are too tired to focus.

"I want to try. I fucked up, I know I did, and I'm not even sorry about it, I knew I was fucking up, I just. I miss you. I want to see you again and if that means I need to deal with you at four AM with insomnia than I'll… I'll see when it happens."

"It's happening right now."

"I'm driving to your dorm. I'll be there in five."

It's a mistake, even their sleepy brain can tell, it keeps repeating the same idea, "you can't escape a waterfall" – what does this have to do with their situation ? Iwaizumi will be upset.

"I'm at Kuroo's. You know where that is ?"

"Yeah, been there a couple of times with Bokuto and Akaashi. I'll send you a text."

Sirens don't look pretty when they lure you in but oh do they sing pretty. Maybe Suga wants to forget about the sharp teeth for just one night.

* * *

Should I precise that Kuroo is carving a potato with the sharp end of the potato peeler to make it look like an owl and send a pic to Bokuto ? Because I've done that and it's actually funny. So yeah Kuroo is a happy drunk and will do the most incredibly stupid and creative things when prompted (by Bokuto, because Akaashi is so done they stopped trying). And also it's like the happiest thing of the whole fanfic I'm sorry


End file.
